On the final day of 2020, I am sitting in bed with a matcha mojito in one hand and a slice of fruitcake in the other as David Bowie mournfully sings ‘Lady Grinning Soul’ from my record player. With each sip and each bite I am trying to taste something, a note of mint or some fruity flavour but to no avail. One of the worst thing’s about having Covid is coming to the realisation you may have an unhealthy and overly-dependent relationship with food as a primary source of joy and comfort. Cheering myself up with chocolate is not currently an option and I’m struggling to fill the void.
I have 7 days left of isolation at home and a pile of 8 unread books on my bedside table – I have a feeling that is where my productivity over the next week will lie. I also signed up to an online astronomy course and have a new guitar to christen with the first three chords of ‘What’s Up’ by 4 Non Blondes. That should keep me busy till spring when hopefully venturing out of the house is possible. I am grateful that Covid waited until boxing day to start making us all feel a bit wretched – my birthday was lovely and I was lucky to be able to cuddle most of my family but in truth I’m looking forward to a brighter 20th in 2021. I’m looking forward to a brighter everything in 2021.
A job would be nice, as would finally getting my driver’s licence before Uni. Jeez uni, that’s going to be very big and new. Best not think too much about that now. I don’t often go in for the whole New Year’s Resolution thing as I think they are seldom helpful but I’d just like to get a bit better. Get a bit better at being kind, get a bit better with money, get a bit better at guitar, get a bit better as an auntie/sister/daughter/friend, get a bit better as a person. That’s all I can really ask of myself each year, don’t settle too much for what’s comfortable or what’s easy. No one ever really had an incredible life doing that.
I’d like to explore a bit more in 2021. Travel to some new places and meet new faces. After a year of living a rather restricted sort of existence, it would be nice to really challenge myself again. Besides, if 2020 has taught me anything it’s that I’m very good at being on my own and probably don’t need to hone that skill too much in 2021. Thankfully, I don’t feel like I have been unable to achieve or progress this year, in fact, this year has probably been the most transformative of my life. I know myself better than I ever have before in all my glorious strangeness and I am grateful for that. But in regards to all the things I couldn’t do, all that I missed out on or sacrificed, I wrote a poem the other day that I feel summed it up quite well. So, 2020, I think I’ll leave you with that.
Take your time.
All that is meant for you
will wait for you,
stop running tired feet into the ground.
I watch children descend upon the evenings
like the inevitable alight of paper planes
that have flirted with the thin line of the horizon for too long.
They lie with unnatural folds,
love letters that have been pressed and sealed
again and again,
deepening the scarlet shade
of wind burnt cheeks.
There is no need for all this hurrying.
The shore has met the sea
with the same certainty
since the moon first hung like a tooth
strung to the pull of the tide.
Take your time
in your palm like a fist of gold.
All that is meant for you
will wait for you.